Make Friends Like a Grown Up

As an adult, you would think communication is skill that would be mastered by now. Each day we send, receive and handle a boatload of messages. Beyond simply exchanging information, the emotion behind each message needs to be understood to properly communicate. Non-verbal cues, listening, managing stress in the moment and understanding the emotions of you and others are important to establishing trust and cultivating good relationships. Good communication skills can help you to communicate negative or difficult messages without creating friction or ruining that trust. Whether you have them or not, these skills can be learned at any age:

Not only should you understand what a person is saying, but also how they feel about what they’re saying. Give them your full attention - texting, doodling or daydreaming is not really listening.

Listening is not simply waiting for your turn to talk. Steer clear of interrupting or redirecting the conversation to your concerns. For example, “If you think that’s bad…” devalues what your friend is saying. Even if you don’t agree, try not to judge and hear them out.

We communicate what we really care about with our body language. Facial expressions, body movement and gestures, eye contact, posture, the tone of your voice, your muscle tension, and even your breathing tells someone more about how you are feeling than words alone ever can. Go people watching (a favorite of mine) to see how they communicate. Try to imagine their relationship, what they’re talking about and how they feel about it.

Next time you are nervous about a social situation, walk into a room smiling and standing tall. Even if you aren’t feeling it, using body language to convey positive feelings when you are anxious can put the other person at ease while making you appear more confident.

You can’t always go for a run when stress happens, but there are some things you can do to relieve the tension in the moment. The first step is being able to recognize when you are becoming stressed. You body will tense up, or you may feel uneasiness in your belly. Take a moment to calm down, take a deep breath, or think of something soothing to you. You could always try to find humor in the situation to diffuse and disarm people. And sometimes, compromise is the best solution. If someone cares way more than you do, is it worth the energy?

Emotional awareness – the consciousness of your moment-to-moment emotional experience – and the ability to manage your feelings are essential to effective communication. Awareness helps you to understand and empathize with what is really bothering someone, what is really bothering you, and what you really want. It helps you to understand another point of view, even if you don’t agree. And ultimately, it helps you to build strong, trusting relationships.